a thought that never changes remains a stupid lie.

New life, new purpose. New motivation, new outlook. New post, new title. Without prescribing to the self-inflicted prepositional phrases, we now have New Order lyrics to kick it off. Adjectival nouns abound: the pretentious might be your best bet yet.

My job is done; it’s all in the past. Looking back is sort of surreal, like a bad dream. The details of how it ended aren’t necessary; really, none of the detail is necessary. The bits that remain, the bitterness, the self-pity, all of it, are what I’m dealing with now. I want to put it all behind me, to move on without ever thinking about it again, but I find it impossible. I can’t really explain to anyone, even those who were in it with me, what I felt like. Every single day. Every second of every hour of every minute of those long, long months…

The moment will soon come when I’m on a plane, somewhere over the Atlantic ocean, in a half-daze of excitement and exhaustion when I know I am really, truly starting over. I’ve cried as much as I’ve needed to — maybe more — and I’ve thought of a million things to say, here and elsewhere. I’ve said maybe 5% of it. My thoughts could fill a book, could inspire that elusive Great Novel I’ve always wanted to write. But what would I call it? Discourses in Being a Moody 20-something in a Shitty Job and How to Get Over It?

I don’t want to define myself that way anymore. As much as I’ve learned about myself these past couple of years, surely the purpose in part of “growing up”, I’ve forgotten so much. I’m rediscovering so many bits of my humanity, of my capacity to love and to be loved. The time for dreading waking up in the morning and getting out of bed is past.

Does everything become rosy from here on out? No, that’s not what life is supposed to be. Rouge-tinted, maybe — I’m sure my Manchester will be red. The title playing off our favourite chanteuse still fits.

Maybe my book will be The Inescapable Human Condition. I’ll start it with “Your Silent Face” as I’ve started here and end just as well:

the sign that leads the way
the path we cannot take
you’ve caught me at a bad time
so why don’t you piss off?

Fin.

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